the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
