who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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