If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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