i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
