i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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