Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
