Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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