Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
