His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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