Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
