Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
handjob tips. give me some.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize