i may or may not be watching the land before time
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
