I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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