I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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