Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
