Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
