i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
