By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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