are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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