I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
