if you like me you must not know who I am
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
