Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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