I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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