who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
