She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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