Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
