Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am in a vortex of obligation.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
