My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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