Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
