two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
