Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
