Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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