Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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