Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
