I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
