I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
