I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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