you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
