Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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