I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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