All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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