I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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