I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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