that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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