You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
