So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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