His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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