what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
