My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just found a bag of teeth...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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