You're my little dorito
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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