I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
