I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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