I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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