He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am midnight drunk by noon
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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