I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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